This content is designed for the participants of the GGC Pain Management Programme.

Hello, it’s Anna again. I am one of the psychologists at the PMP.

Today I am going to talk about Assertiveness.

Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for ourselves and to say how we feel when we feel we need to.

It includes:

Expressing your own opinion and feelings.

Saying “no” without feeling guilty.

Setting our own priorities, making choices about how we spend our time and what we do.

Asking for what we want.

And also choosing not to assert yourself at times when you feel it would be better not to say anything.

If you are missing out on any of these it is possible that you have difficulty asserting yourself. Most of us have been assertive at some point in the past and some of us are already very good at this. So, as with lots of areas of the PMP, have a listen to this video and think about whether this is something you want to work on yourself. Most of us could certainly do with being a little more assertive sometimes.

Let’s start by thinking about some typical problems caused by a lack of assertiveness.

We can find ourselves saying “yes” to requests for favours from friends and relatives, no matter how unfair or difficult they will be for you.

We might be afraid of returning damaged goods or pointing out poor service in shops and restaurants.

Difficulty expressing positive feelings i.e. giving compliments.

A fear of people in authority.

When we don’t assert ourselves, we often miss out on what we are due and we also tend to feel bad about ourselves. We may go over a situation in our mind time and time again thinking, “Why didn’t I say that?” or “If only I’d done this”. This can lead to feelings of blame, depression and anxiety. Remember from our discussions, the ‘overdoing it because it is hard to say no’ and then struggling for days afterwards? Or withdrawing from things so you don’t cause a fuss? Communication issues and a lack of assertiveness are often a part of that tricky cycle.

The main reason for unassertive behaviour is a fear of what might happen if you are assertive. What do you fear might happen if you did stand up for your rights? We may fear that we would feel extremely guilty or anxious after asserting ourselves. These fears are usually based on false beliefs about assertiveness.

We might think - I’ll be being selfish if I say what I want

All we are doing by being assertive is putting our own needs on an equal level with the needs of other people. We are not saying it is only our needs that matter but that they ALSO matter. It is important for our own wellbeing to do this. This is helpful for other people as well. We are not doing anyone a favour by letting them take us for granted or get whatever they want from us.

If I stand up for myself the other person will become upset and angry

This assumes that other people are always unreasonable. Remember, you are only asking to be treated as an equal and not making big demands. Most people will recognise this and accept your point of view. In fact, you may be surprised how easily they agree with you.

People won’t like me if I say what I want

Think of the people you know who are assertive. Do you think any less of them for that? The chances are you respect them more for being assertive. People are likely to think more of you if you assert yourself as it means they know where they stand with you.

I feel too anxious to start being assertive

This is something of a vicious circle. Being assertive for the first time is always hard but it becomes easier after that. Sometimes finding an easy way to make a small change is a good start. We don’t have to change everything in on go.

The first task in becoming assertive is to work out the situations where you do not stand up for yourself. Does it occur at work, at home or when you are out with friends? Does it occur more often with certain types of people (e.g. those in authority, young people, relatives, the opposite sex)? Is it harder giving compliments or criticism or are both difficult? Think about what you worry might happen in these situations if you were assertive and consider how realistic this is in the light of the discussion above.

Think just now about situations where you would like to be more assertive.

Having chosen a situation and identified the problems, the next step is to plan what you are going to say and do. Of course, it is not possible to make complete plans as you do not know exactly what will happen. The most important thing is to plan what you want to say (and do) and the best way of saying it.

It often helps to have a “dry run” or rehearsal before actually going into the situation. You can do this with a friend or by yourself. If you are doing this with a friend, ask them to play the other person. Then you could try swapping round, with you playing the other person.

Here are some tips on behaving assertively:

Keep what you want to say clear and to the point. Avoid long explanations.

Look at the other person, stand (or sit) upright and keep a calm tone of voice.

There’s no need to apologise if you feel you are in the right.

Be polite but firm.

Try to relax, rather than becoming angry.

You may feel nervous beforehand but this is quite natural. Try and keep to what you have planned to say even if the conversation doesn’t quite go as you expected. And remember, you can only do your best. After it’s all over ask yourself how you did. What things did you do well? What could be improved upon? Give credit to yourself where it is due and learn as much as you can from what happened to apply to the next time.

There are some specific techniques I want to run through. The following are suggestions you may find helpful for particular situations:

The first is: “I” messages

If you are unhappy about someone’s behaviour is it best to say how you feel rather than attacking the other person. This means using the word “I” in what you say.

For example, suppose you had cooked a meal several evenings on the run for your partner or flatmate and each time he or she had arrived late and the dinner had been spoiled. A suitable “I” message might be:

“I get very upset when you arrive late for dinner because I put a lot of energy into making it and I feel it’s a waste if the food is cold or overdone.”

This tells the other person how you feel and paves the way for a helpful discussion of the situation. This is different from “you” messages which attack the other person. For example:

“You’re always late for dinner. You’re selfish and inconsiderate. You can make your own dinner from now on.”

Try to remember to use “I” messages.

The second one is: The Scratched Record

This can be useful with strangers when you have a specific task e.g. when taking goods back to the shops. It consists simply of repeating your point several times no matter how the other person tries to divert you. For example:

Customer: “Hello, I’d like to return these trousers because they’ve got a

mark on them”.

Shopkeeper: “Hmm...well, it’s only a small mark. It will probably wash off”.

Customer: “I’d still like them changed please”.

Shopkeeper: “We don’t have any more of that size in stock”.

Customer: “I would like a replacement pair”.

Shopkeeper: “OK. We’ll re-order them and they should be in by the end of the week”.

That is a whistle stop tour of assertiveness and there is lots more you can read on the topic. Local bookshops will have a section on communication. So will all the online book sellers.

Right at the beginning, I said that assertiveness can involve choosing when not to assert yourself. There is no rule saying that we have to assert ourselves all the time and in some situations we may feel it is better not to say anything. Generally, though, we are likely to find, that being more assertive has a significant positive impact on our lives.

These techniques can feel a little strange and artificial at first but they do become more natural the more we use them. Good luck!

End of video script

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